Peek-A-Boo Mother-F*ckers!

Greetings from The Country!

I know, I know.  Where have I been??  Amiright?  I WILL TELL YOU.  I moved to the country to a giant new pad.  I have a new mommy now. Her name is Fast Alice and she lets me climb on things and make sweet amour to her robe. (I like it because it is red chenille and doesn't fight back. Rawr!)

I missed you other tall people at first but holy crap - have you seen my new digs? Delicioso. If I was a cliche kind of cat I might even call them purrfect. (I am not that kind of kitty and, also, as has been previously established, I'm probably too stupid to come up with puns. In fact, this whole blog post is a ridiculous fabrication as it is a well known truth that the only thing going through my head is the theme from The Benny Hill show and film of people slipping on banana peels. On a loop.)

A couple of months after I arrived at my new palacial abode my better tall people got another cat. He is slobbery and smells awful, but that's mostly because he developed a passing fondness for snacking out of my litter box. CLOSED SYSTEM BITCHEZ! I eat, I void, he eats, he takes it outside. Whose the idiot now?  Stupid big cat.

At first I wasn't so sure about my new friend but now I think I'm getting used to having him around. We share a love of squirrel watching and napping in the sun.  If I get tired of sharing floorspace I need only hop up onto a ledge and pretend I am a majestic mountain lion, surveying my kingdom. This place is huge. I'm finally living the life I dreamed about while shackled within the four walls of that ridiculousness you city people call a "home". I don't even have to poop in plants or break those shiny things that hold the liquid anymore. I am finally at peace. Also, Fast Alice is much more impressed than you ever were by my preening good looks. Barbarian.
OH. And there is outside all around this place. Trees and ground and BIRDS BIRDS BIRDS. More beautiful birds than one cat could kill and leave in your bed. It is FABULOUS.

So anyway, I'm having a great time living up here. Please don't ever ever pick me up. And tell Sylvia she can suck it.

Kissy noises,
Ozzie the Cat